Do you get angry often? Don’t answer this question too quickly! Most people don’t think they have anger, but in reality, all humans experience anger to different degrees, in different ways and for different reasons.
How do you feel in the following situations?
- Someone makes a promise to you, commits to doing something and then doesn’t do it.
- You lend an object or money and the other person does not return it to you, or returns the object damaged.
- Someone ridicules or humiliates you in front of others.
- Your spouse forgets your birthday.
- You know you are right about something, but someone is strongly arguing with you.
The above situations involve at least one other person. What happens to you when you experience one of the following situations?
- You are forgetting something important.
- Something you shouldn’t have said is coming back against you.
- You said yes to someone when you wanted to say no.
- Eating too much chocolate or abusing any other food or substance.
- You want to express something to someone and you can’t.
- You let someone take advantage of you.
Most people experience anger at themselves in these situations. This unpleasant feeling is more or less conscious and felt to different degrees by everyone.
Why do we experience so much anger when we prefer calm in our lives?
Whenever anger takes over, we are no longer ourselves. We allow ourselves to be invaded by a part of us that suffers and that is there to indicate an unresolved issue or wound. This issue comes from a painful situation experienced as a child with a parent, and where forgiveness has not yet been made.
Five main wounds are at the root of this anger: betrayal, rejection, abandonment, humiliation and injustice. As long as the wounds are not healed by true forgiveness, they will remain open wounds. It will hurt every time someone or some situation comes along to awaken or touch that issue. The bigger the wound, the more open the wound, and the stronger the anger.
When we believe we are experiencing anger towards another person, it is an illusion. In reality, it is always towards ourselves. Unconsciously, we are angry at ourselves for not having taken care of our wounds. We are angry at ourselves for having let ourselves be fooled, for not having been able to express ourselves or demand clearly or for not having been able to assert ourselves without accusing the other. When we are connected to our heart, we do not blame the other.
We can express ourselves calmly by putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. At the soul level, we know that we attract people and situations to help us become aware of what we have not dealt with in our past. In fact, we are angry because we are blaming ourselves for not staying connected to our hearts, that is, for not really being who we are. It is only when we are truly ourselves that we feel good.
Different reasons to get angry!
Of course, we all don’t get angry for the same reasons and under the same circumstances. This comes from the beliefs developed by each one of us, out of fear of suffering, and according to the personality of each. Here are several examples:
- The overly idealistic perfectionist wants everything to be perfect, so much that he or she is usually perpetually dissatisfied. He experiences a lot of anger, but mostly at himself, because he criticizes himself a lot. He tries to control his anger as much as possible because for him, anger is synonymous with imperfection. For the perfectionist, anger translates into a tense, stressed and nervous attitude. The control he imposes on himself is very demanding and harmful to his nervous system.
- Ambitious people who are constantly striving for success experience anger when time is lost. They don’t give themselves the right to waste time and experience anger towards themselves if it happens. They also do not tolerate those who waste their time and feel anger towards them when it happens. These people show their anger through impatience and intolerance. They don’t dwell too much on their anger because that would waste their time.
The famous control…..
- Controlling people are especially angry at those who do not keep their commitments and whom they consider irresponsible. They allow themselves to show their anger because they like to show their strength, their power. On the other hand, they resent it because they would like to be strong enough not to be bothered.
- Rigid people are great at making themselves believe that everything is fine, that everything is wonderful and that they are not feeling anger. They prefer not to feel anything, so they avoid suffering. These are people who were often asked to perform when they were young and who still believe that by not feeling, they will perform better. In general, they seem to be above it all, calm and impassive.
- Emotinally dependant people experience anger mostly towards others. They seek attention at all costs. Therefore they experience anger primarily with those who they feel should give them attention or with those who seem to “abandon” them. This anger manifests itself mostly in problems or illnesses, only to get attention. They often play the victim. All diseases that end in “ite” are manifestations of anger. The liver is the organ most affected by the repression of anger. There are also problems with blockages in the intestines when the person holds back too much, especially with regard to their desires.
The famous rejection…!
- Those who feel easily rejected experience deep anger but choose to run away rather than show their anger. They often escape the situation or the person by taking refuge in alcohol, drugs or medication. This anger is an unwanted emotion that blocks the emotional body. In other words, it blocks the body from desires and the ability to feel joy, happiness and love. This is the cause of all kinds of discomforts and illnesses in the physical body.
When you realize that you are experiencing anger:
- Take three deep breaths.
- “Most importantly” give yourself the right to feel that anger. Accept the idea that you are human, that some inner wounds are not yet resolved. Accept that this anger can allow you to discover them and finally heal them.
These first two steps will help you refocus.
- Then, recognize that it is really at yourself that you are angry at. Most people blame themselves for not having clarified or communicated something right, for having let themselves be fooled, for having acted without thinking or for not having listened to their intuition.
- When your anger involves another person, it is important to express what you’re feeling. Admit to the other person the anger you feel towards yourself. There should be no accusations against the other.
- Don’t blame yourself because you will continue to harbor that anger towards yourself. Know that it is quite normal for a human to react when someone hits the spot on a wound, whether it is physical or psychological.
The mirror effect
- Do the mirror exercise with the person concerned. This is a great technique to help you get to know yourself better and become more aware. Write down what you accuse the other person of being and then check to see if you are like that sometimes. This exercise is not meant to make you feel guilty for being this way, but rather to help you become aware of why you are this way at certain times. This will help you to have more compassion for yourself and for others.
- Then, go even further and check when you have accused a parent of the same thing in the past. This parent is usually the same gender as the person with whom you have experienced anger. This can help you make peace with your parent.
- It is best to do this inner work as soon as possible. If you wait, if you repress the anger, the wound will become bigger and worse and it will be more and more difficult to express it. You always have a choice!
When you are confronted with someone else’s anger:
- Take three deep breaths.
- Tell the other person calmly but firmly that you do not intend to talk with a person who is no longer calm nor themselves.
- Wait for the person to pull her/himself together and refocus. You can suggest that she/he take several deep breaths.
It is in your best interest to choose to recognize and express your anger if you want to live with it less and less. You will be able to recover all the energy you needed to sustain that anger and use it to create a life of peace and harmony rather than a life filled with unpleasant emotions such as anger.
If you think you need help recognizing and managing anger, make an appointment with one of our professionals.
Source: Lise Bourbeau